"Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all others to heat your house."

"Assisted in daily preparation of large quantities of consumable items in a fast-paced setting."

(Translation: Short-order cook.)

"But wait...there's more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job'-and I like your company in particular."

"Title: Another resume from the 'Profiles in Excellence' series."

"Also Known As: Mr. Productivity, Mr. Clever, Mr.Fix-it."

"Trustworthy references available upon request-if I give them a few bucks."

"Let's meet so you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' over my experience."